A Good night’s sleep

Last night I had to take my son to the dentist. By the time he finished it was too late to go to our small group.

Instead, we just came home. I had a nice long, quiet hot bath; and read a book.

Then I went and laid in bed and read for another 4 hrs.

I slept for about 8 hrs, only waking up a few times. And I stayed in bed for 10 hours.

Today, for the first time since probably my girls weekend away last March; I feel well rested and not tired.

I didn’t wake up thinking….how many hours until I can go back to bed.

Guess I really have to work on getting 8 hrs of sleep more often; 5 or 6 just doesn’t hack it for me!

Halloween

Well, the candy for our little and big characters was bought over a month ago. All our door knockers will get little tiny buckets of bones…dollarama :). Kianna’s choice.

And we, once again will be serving up some hot chocolate and coffee. I am hoping to get some cookies made to go with it. I will set up a little table in the front yard. I hope we can meet many of our neighbors.

I have been so incredibly busy since we moved in in July that I really only know 4 or 5.

Jason will make little cards with our name and address on it, so that the parents feel safer allowing their kids to have non-packaged treats šŸ™‚

I am hoping my oldest will take our youngest trick or treating, so I can stay and meet more people. If not, Jason will stay and I’ll take our son. Our older girls are going out with their best friends (who happen to be sisters, and. A third best friend of my older daughter). My younger daughter is going out with one of her good friends.

So, now I have to run to costco to get more hot chocolate, cream, cups, and maybe baking….

Happy Halloween!

Instead of arguing about how you feel about this controversial holiday, maybe use it as an opportunity to get to know your neighbors! Have fun! And be safe!

Paying for Band…

Well, last saturday morning my 8th grader informed me she had a band trip nov 7-9. Oh yeah, it was $250.

On monday she brought home the permission slip and information.

As it turns out, she was given it on friday. And she forgot to bring it home. The real kicker…it was due on monday with full payment. (Yes, 3 days. Turnover…including the weekend)

Nice notice.

Well, she told her teacher she’d need a few days to get the money.

So, I continued labeling bottles for Jason’s work. This time of year, they can’t keep up with the labeling. So sometimes we help. Karyssa and I had already done some for him.

I had planned to use my portion to buy new lenses for my glasses.

However, I guess this was more urgent.

So, I have been labeling a few more boxes each day.

Today we had enough labeled to pay for her trip. And yes, she did help label this week too.

So, despite the short notice…we managed to pull it together. I couldn’t have her miss this opportunity!

Now, I have to make sure I pay extra close attention to that band calendar we got at the beginning of the year. I will have to just anticipate which dates we will have to fork up extra money for and just be prepared for it!

The heart of the matter…

Last week a long term friendship disintegrated.

I am not complaining, or assigning blame. The truth of the matter is that I am heavily to blame. In fact I can say entirely to blame. I accept that.

I also accept the peace and learning and introspection that has followed.

Ironically, as soon as it happened, and I didn’t yet know how fully and completely it had been – I felt peace.

I knew that this separation was best for my friend. I knew that it was what she needed and what would allow her to flourish and thrive.

I have no ill will towards her. I never will. She has been a good friend for a long time. She is a wonderful, peaceful, caring, giving woman and wife and mother and friend.

I will always look out for her. Make sure she is included and not overlooked. I won’t be pushy. She has made it abundantly clear that there will be no communication. She has fully and completely cut me off. Cut me off in ways I would never even have thought of. Then again I am neither computer nor digitally minded – at all. When I see her I will give her her space; but I will also say “hello” and “good morning.” And “how are you?”. She can choose to ignore me or pretend I don’t exist. But I will not do this. I hold no ill regard. I am actually grateful for all that has happened and all I have learned from it.

In my introspection this week I have made several realizations about myself.

I am not a peace keeper. She totally is. I am all about people and justice. I realized that often these core values I hold deeply actually run in defiance of peace. That was an incredible realization for me.

It is important for the world to have peace keepers. People willing to keep the peace at all costs. People wanting to do anything to make others happy.

But, I had to recognize and acknowledge that my core values of justice and helping to put people’s feelings, thoughts, and concerns in the forefront is also important.

These core values are both important. But, I think that in this case, my values stomped on hers. For that I am sad. I never intended that.

I also realized that I have been broken for a year now. A year ago my passion was torn from me and my heart broke. I no longer had an outlet for that passion. I have tried to redirect it, but never successfully. I have tried boxing it up and setting it aside…but it just doesn’t work that way.

I don’t know the answer to this problem. It is something I will eventually, through prayer, figure out.

I suppose the passion that once flowed so freely, the enthusiasm and excitement that has been gone for a year, sometimes comes out as aggressive communication. I feel l can’t openly share my ideas or suggestions. So when I finally do decide to share, I feel like I’ve got only one chance to get it out.

I am SO not perfect. I am flawed in so many, many ways. I struggle with so many things.

It isn’t that peace keeping isn’t important to me, it is. It is just that perfecting things so people aren’t needlessly hurt is more important to me. It hurts me to the core when someone tells me I’ve done something to hurt someone.

I often find myself in conflict between the values. But somehow, helping and justice always trump peace. It causes conflict, which I hate, but sometimes peace isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

The other day I watched a episode of Madam Secretary, the new tv drama. In it Elizabeth the secretary of state is faced with news of upcoming genocide in west africa. She wants to stop it. The president doesn’t. She defies him in her speech and stands up for what is right. There are consequences to her, but people are saved. I kind of feel like that is my job. Help people, prevent potential issues and concerns, and face the cost to myself later. Not that anything I do is even remotely as important as something like genocide. Uncomparable. But the idea…

And yet, I seem to cowardly choose peace this year, most of the time. (Not that peace is cowardly, but not standing up and voicing my concerns is.) I feel I have no voice to express the others. I feel unheard and in constant conflict regardless of my actions of resignation or exposure.

I have also realized that I have too often been the one shamelessly pursuing this recently disintegrated relationship. I more often picked up the phone first. I wanted to be her friend so badly that I missed that our friendship had SO many bumps in the road. Sure we have kids in common and we had fun together. But, we have VERY different ideas and opinions on some things that we each hold dear and important to us. There are topics that are big elephants in the room. We will absolutely never ever agree on, so just kind of ignore.

We should have always been friends. Loosely held friends. The kind that get together periodically and let our kids play and chat about nothing really important or life shattering. I wanted more, needed more. She was just too kind to say “no”. I pushed the relationship, made it deeper than it was. Made her my confidante, when the relationship just couldn’t withstand this. Peace was too dear to her and conflict was my last 12 months.

I have to, at some point, stop complaining about how I’m not feeling “connected” and how I’m alone. I have to ultimately accept that I just don’t think I was built to have lots of friends.

Many, many acquaintances. Many, many people I care about. But only a couple that I can truly share my heart with. Those very few aren’t afraid to tell me their true opinions. They aren’t afraid to disagree with me. They know that I will always be there for them, no matter what. And I know that they feel the same. I have 2 people in my life who fit this bill. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and hoping and wishing for something I don’t have; and recognize, acknowledge, and encourage what I DO have!

A true friend to me isn’t afraid to speak truth, tell me when I’m wrong, support me when I’m right, and encourage me to follow my gifts and dreams.

And that, is what I’m focusing on now. I’m not going to be upset when my phone doesn’t ring and no one inquires how I am doing.

I am going to instead focus on my 2 best friends and my several close friends. The rest, well I’m not going to be the one chasing people to be my friend any more. If I’m not important enough to talk to…we just aren’t going to end up being friends in the long run anyways.

I will keep being my chatty self and talking to anyone and everyone…but if someone doesn’t respond, I’m moving on. I’m not so needy I need to beg someone to be my friend.

I can love and care for someone and not have a deep relationship with them.

My Blessed Husband

Today, is my husband’s birthday.

I am blessed to be able to call him husband and my children are blessed to call him Papa.

He is a Godly man. He is a loving man. He is a hard worker. He is a family man.

So, today I will celebrate the day he was born and be thankful for his mom and dad for bringing him into and up in this crazy world!

I am grateful for going to PYPA and briefly meeting the guy in the crazy fluorescent pink suspenders at the banquet.

I am grateful for ABC and all I learned and discovered…including some cute guy in a vest and billy hat that barely talked and spent practically all his time in the darkroom!

I am grateful for the man who stood behind me and beside me and held my hand through the birth of all 5 of our children.

I am grateful for the man who cried with me through the grief and pain of the 5 babies we lost.

I am grateful for the man who learned to play with his kids, listen to his kids, and take time to know his kids.

I am grateful that he chose me to be his bride, and companion on this walk of life. I am grateful that we have already spent 18 years together. I am grateful for our ups and downs and everything in between.

Our life hasn’t been all smooth sailing, but it’s when the waves are submersing us, and feel like we are drowning – you are always there. We are always together. And we always come out on top.

No wave can drown us, no mountain can keep us there. There are always more adventures awaiting us, waiting on us to tackle together…as the team we have always been and will always be!

I’ll always tease you about how “old” you are…but just today I’ll remind you that you are only as old as you think you are and you act!

I wouldn’t have wanted to spend these years with anyone else at my side!

I love you with all my heart!

Happy Birthday my beloved!