For quite some time now I have had an itch. An itch to travel and to see the world and to do things that I’ve always wanted to do.
I feel like life is passing me by and all my dreams are on permanent hold.
I feel like I am constantly making sacrifices for my children. It’s not like this is anything new. And it’s not like I would actually change anything.
But there is so much we just can’t do because of the decisions we make to do things for our kids.
This year the plan was to down size our house and seriously save money and buy a house of our own. Instead we downsized and haven’t saved much of anything. Instead of a house of our own, 3 of our kids get straight teeth. Instead of saving for a down payment we are paying $700 a month for 2 years on the orthodontist. And even in 2 years it won’t be over. There will then be phase 2 on one kid and the the last one will just start his pricey teeth straightening.
I don’t regret these decisions. But I admittedly am growing weary of them.
We chose to have 5 midwife assisted home births. We paid out of pocket for every single one. They were not covered by Healthcare and when added up we could have had a very nice down payment for a home.
Every month we set money aside so that hopefully our children will not have to take on the student loans that we did. I don’t regret this decision. I wish we could put more aside for them. But I do acknowledge that we would be in a home of our own long ago if we didn’t do this for their future.
It just seems like we never get a break. We just get ahead and something happens every time. The house is broken into, a bike stolen, a van stolen, a clutch goes. I feel like I am standing on the edge of the cliff and the side keeps giving way and I keep just moving back in the nick of time.
Is it wrong to want to go away alone somewhere warm or exotic with just my husband. Is it wrong for me to want a vacation without any children. Is it wrong after nearly 19 years of marriage to crave substantial time alone with my husband.
This is where I am at. I am on the on the precipice of turning 40 and on paper my life is exactly where it is supposed to be (except for owning a home). Our long term plan that Jason and I made almost 20 years ago is right on target. But I’ve changed.
I want to be first. I want to be selfish. I want my life to be more than just being a mother to 5 amazing kids. I want to matter. I want my desires and dreams not to be set aside because they are impossible. I don’t even know what I want because I don’t even allow the dreams to come because I know that the reality is my time won’t come for another 12 years… the question is can I be unselfish for another 12 years. Can I live another 12 years always putting others before myself. Always serving the needs and wants of others. Maybe. Maybe not.
The reality is I am the problem. No one but me. I am the one who does it or makes a choice not to anymore. I am my own worst enemy and the only person needing to change this is me. I am just not sure if I am ready to stop the inner turmoil and make a real change.
One of the hardest lessons I’ve been learning is that my children are their own people. They make their own decisions. And often their decisions aren’t the ones I would make or even think they should be making.
My job as their parent is guide and teach them. Their job us to live their own lives
Right now I see one of my children making some bad choices. Choices that will cost this child money and time in the future. Choices that will limit future options and choices. My job is stand back and the child make the choices. It isn’t my life to live. Although I hate it. I keep trying.
Another child makes consistently bad choices in a different area. My job is to give the child tools to make better choices. But I can’t live their life for them. I can’t make them make better choices. And I can’t even make them use the tools provided to them.
I am responsible to guide and enrich and help. And I’m constantly reminding myself that my children’s choices don’t mark me or make me. And I have to allow them to make their own choices for better or worse and to live their own life for better or worse.
However, I won’t stop giving guidance and help along he way. But I won’t be judged by their choices either.
Since November our basement shower has been out of commission. It was leaking and Jason needed to fix it. Mostly it has sat unused with the tools needed to finish the task of fixing it sitting unused inside the shower.
Jason is a busy guy, with a lot on his plate. And as such I mostly just let these unfinished tasks go. However, every few months it gets to me. The growing list of uncompleted tasks and I get upset.
I do try my best to take the tasks off of his list that I can, and do them myself. However most of the tasks I just can’t do.
Sometimes I do a task out of sheer will power and not really ability at all… just to get something off the list.
Today, jason finally tackled the basement shower once again. He hasn’t touched it in months. But it has to get done because he really needs to tackle the other shower. And in order to do that we need at least one working shower in the house.
So thank you to my husband who spent his Sunday evening fixing the leaking shower. And after getting home from church at 3 pm. ..because he had to go to work to fix the server….he finally remembered to bring home the Alan key to fix my roller blade. So thank you for that too….
Well for the first time in almost 2 weeks I am alone.
My little buddy finally returned to school today.
Jason and I went and met with the principal and vice principal and teacher this morning. The principal did her best to show me why, how they handle our little guy is the only way and how great it is. I mostly just nodded and let her talk. I already knew that if he returned it would be their way and that’s why I’ve been working so hard with him to help him from my side.
There is no denying the school thinks they have his best interests at heart. And there is no doubt they are trying to help him. I just wish it could be done a bit differently, but that simply will never happen.
That being said keilan is more than happy to be back at school. The truth is he probably did more work at home than at school anyways. One day he did 20 pages of math. Pretty sure that wouldn’t happen at school. The school is concerned though that he has missed “so much instructional lessons”.
I’m not. Sure he will have missed a few things but he did complete all the things the teacher sent home to work on that the class was working on. And he completed nearly 2 levels in lexia reading. And the reading comprehension work we did has helped his comprehension tremendously. So I am not even slightly concerned about his learning.
I do miss his chatter though. And I miss the super happy and carefree kid that has returned. He has blossomed being home and I hope that doesn’t go away now that he’s back at school.
Karyssa is going to look after him and make sure he has friends to play with at both recesses before she goes to her friends. So hopefully he won’t be so lonely.
And we are taking him to a psychologist to hopefully help him deal with his issues.
But for now he’s at school and as long as he doesn’t start retreating into himself again then he will stay there. However, if he does then I’m not afraid to pull him.
We got the talk about how important school is and how important it is for him to be there. But if he’s having a bad day I’m absolutely keeping him home. Better a bad a day at home than a meltdown at school…..
Since Saturday I have been sick. Feeling bad in general.
Everyday it gets a but worse.
Last night following a coughing fit I went to go to bed. Keilan had crawled into our bed and fell asleep on top of the comforters.
Yes, comforters. I’ve had a fever so I had both duvets on the bed.
You see keilan peed the bed. In the half hour he laid there. He managed to pee completely through 2 duvet covers and 2 down duvets and the top and bottom sheets. Yep. Pretty bad.
So last night was uncomfortable and annoying. And today I was finally too sick to drive.
So a sick day it is. Kianna and Keilan both are sporting the same cough so they too stayed home.
So the three sicklings stayed home. Tomorrow hopefully we will all be feeling better…