Twisted Glasses

So you open your social media feed on Mother’s Day and the next day and it’s full of beautiful posts about mother’s and tributes to them; family time; activities; and pictures. Most important of all the pictures.

I have been trying to get a family picture since last October. At Thanksgiving I asked for one, but certain children refused to participate. At remembrance day I again asked and it was more of the same. Christmas was a repeat. And in April when our son moved home, more of the same. I asked for Mother’s Day for a family picture to be taken. In fact the day before I paid for everyone to have their hair done. Yep. No picture. Some family members just refuse or are too busy, doing what I don’t really know.

So on Saturday when my husband asked what was going on on Sunday, well that was a very obvious clue to me that it wasn’t anything for me. When I asked him to take the girls to do their cleaning job on Saturday instead of Sunday so we could do something…the girls didn’t want to and he wasn’t going to go against that.

When I asked various children on Saturday to clean various things and was met with absolute refusal, I knew mother’s Day wasn’t going to be idylic.

So, mother’s Day I woke up and changed my sheets and cleaned my bathroom and asked the kids to do the other 2 bathrooms which I’d asked them to so the day before. One child cleaned one bathroom. 3 children hid in their bedrooms. 1 child proceeded to throw a temper tantrum about how hungry he was and he couldn’t clean the sink and toilet until he ate. His father told him he wasn’t eating until it was clean. Then I come downstairs to him eating and the bathroom untouched and him yelling at the table about he couldn’t do it. So I did it. I sent him upstairs and I dealt with him. I told Jason to stay home with him as he was being a monster and certainly no good would result from taking him to church. I left for church 15 minutes late with 1 child. 1 was still in bed and the others I guess didn’t believe I’d leave them.

Back to Saturday…we are standing in the kitchen and I ask Jason what’s for lunch tomorrow? He says I don’t know. I ask him if that means he wants me to make something to put in the oven during church. He says yes. So I do. Another clue Mother’s Day isn’t going to be idylic.

So at church I’m on coffee cleanup. The one chd who came with me to church doesn’t like work and so stayed away from the kitchen until she felt it was probably time to go. So I did them alone. Not a big deal really. I wasn’t in any mood to have help anyways.

I am the shopper for church and it was brought to my attention that we didn’t have any replacement light bulbs. Then I saw we are still using traditional 100watt bulbs. Like seriously I didn’t know anywhere still used those! We haven’t used those in at least a decade! So, since we are a one car family still I decided I’d better run to Costco. When I tried to call home my daughter insisted on calling. Lunch wasn’t even thought of yet. So, Wendy’s it was.

I arrived home at 3pm to dogs who needed a walk. So I took them for a walk and Jason took the girls to clean. While he was gone I made and ate dinner. And spilled a whole plate for the dogs. Then I went upstairs because 2 of the kids were playing Xbox on the main tv. I watched some tv and went to bed quite early.

I did get a pancake with fruit and a smoothie made by karyssa at 9 am, but I was literally in the middle of cleaning and never had time to eat any. Keilan made me a light up card at homeschool school on Friday. And Jason bought me flowers and a card, which he never actually gave me and just left on the kitchen island. They are still there.

I saw Kieran for a few seconds when I was watering the flowers out front and he was going to the park to play Pokemon. I never did actually see Katarina. And that was my Mother’s Day.

Oh and they ate that meal I made and left all the dishes from it on the stove and counters. So this morning, the morning after Mother’s Day, I am soaking the chicken pan and broccoli pot and rice cooker and loading the dirty plates into the dishwasher, after soaking them too.

So happy Mother’s Day to all the Mother’s whose day was far from idylic and was not what was expected!

Well in September I got a new phone and Jason didn’t set up my blog onto my phone until this weekend. So that’s the reason for the hiatus.

Today, something funny happened. It’s been happening on a regular basis lately, but now I’m just getting a kick out of it!

So there is someone who pretty much ignores me. I say hi, this person pretends I’m not there. Admittedly, I’m a people pleaser. So, at first this bothered me immensely! Like seriously a LOT!!!

But I watched this person do the same thing to someone else. Then I realized I actually didn’t even care. Why do I need someone to like me or acknowledge me? I don’t. As my husband pointed out we weren’t even ever really friends anyways.

So, I started making a game of it. Now I just am nice and kind and friendly, like always. BUT I am getting a kick out of watching this person try so hard to pretend not to see or hear me! I have gotten so many laughs, and laughing truly is good for the soul! All the wasted energy avoiding just a polite hello other goodbye! But I’m feeling great and laughing a lot! So I figure…Good on me!

This summer my mother in law had the opportunity to take a bible class from her brother at Millar College of the Bible, where he is a professor. In order for this to happen she needed transportation. I offered to take her. So Kianna and Keilan and I went to Pambrun Saskatchewan with my mother in law. The drive wasn’t too bad anyways.But the stay at her brother and sister in law’s was so great! They were terrific hosts and we had such a fantastic visit with them.As it turned out I ended up joining my mom and auditing the course with her. Uncle Ed was a great teacher and his course was really well done! As it turned out the college had sleepover sports camps so both kids attended one. Kianna did a volleyball camp and Keilan a sports camp. Both kids had a great time and learned a lot about God to, not to mention getting better at their sport. After the week there we leisurely drove north to green lake. Along the way we stopped to shop and at several very old churches that we saw. It was a pleasant drive full of talk and laughter! Seriously though, where do some people get the names they name of places! We had a lot of laughs for sure!Upon arriving here my mother in law’s sister and brother in law welcomes.ed is in their extremely generous fashion! The kids and I got to stay in the little cabin, which we absolutely love!Our uncle fixed up a couple bikes for the kids and took them quading. Kianna learned to drive one and she says she is a good driver!It is so fantastic to be with family who takes so much time to spend with us and the kids! The love and care we have gotten is amazing!

Well my last post was about how our youngest son wasn’t going to sleepover camp this year and how upset he was about it.

It was also about how upset I was about it too.

Fast forward….

I drove my mother-in-law to Saskatchewan to a tiny town so she could take a bible course this week that her brother was teaching. So kianna and keilan and I went with my mother in law and we are staying with her lovely brother and his wife.

To make a long story short, uncle Ed asked if my kids would like to go to sports camp this week. I assumed it was a church day daycamp.

Infact my uncle is a professor at Millar college of the Bible and the sports campus are sleepover camps.

So Kianna is in a week long volleyball camp. And Keilan is in a 3 day and 2 night sport camp. So he gets to sleep over. And he’s only a couple of blocks from where I’m staying.

I think it’s a perfect fit and he gets to go to camp.

So in the end it all worked out.

I haven’t written a blog in a long time. Frankly I haven’t written because often I find myself barely treading water, when it comes to raising Keilan.

The latest is keeping my son from summer sleepover camp. I think with the right support he could and would thrive. But, unlike with any of my other children, I have to think of every possible outcome with him. How will he possibly react to some unknown issue. How will people around him react to his reaction. Will the leaders around him be able to stop and bring him down from a reaction before it even happens, or will they react to it in a way that escalates him and his reaction.

This year I just don’t feel like he is in a place that I can send him to the sleepover camp. At least not with all of the leadership that is in place. The truth is his older brother is there too and he is as much of the problem as keilan is. Kieran just has a way of irritating Keilan and pushing him into a negative reaction. So, if Karyssa was at the camp volunteering I’d send him in a second. She can almost always calm him down. But with Kieran being there and the combination of certain leadership I just can’t send him.

Keilan is terribly disappointed and mad at me. And frankly it is yet another example of how being mom, teacher, advocate for him…sucks. I am the bad guy. I’m always the bad guy.

Many days I long to just be mom. No other hats. No other responsibilities. No other reasons to have to consider which make me always the bad guy.

So, here I sit…filled with guilt for decisions I am forced to make and really really don’t want to make. But afraid of the consequences of I don’t make these choices.