For quite some time now I have had an itch. An itch to travel and to see the world and to do things that I’ve always wanted to do.
I feel like life is passing me by and all my dreams are on permanent hold.
I feel like I am constantly making sacrifices for my children. It’s not like this is anything new. And it’s not like I would actually change anything.
But there is so much we just can’t do because of the decisions we make to do things for our kids.
This year the plan was to down size our house and seriously save money and buy a house of our own. Instead we downsized and haven’t saved much of anything. Instead of a house of our own, 3 of our kids get straight teeth. Instead of saving for a down payment we are paying $700 a month for 2 years on the orthodontist. And even in 2 years it won’t be over. There will then be phase 2 on one kid and the the last one will just start his pricey teeth straightening.
I don’t regret these decisions. But I admittedly am growing weary of them.
We chose to have 5 midwife assisted home births. We paid out of pocket for every single one. They were not covered by Healthcare and when added up we could have had a very nice down payment for a home.
Every month we set money aside so that hopefully our children will not have to take on the student loans that we did. I don’t regret this decision. I wish we could put more aside for them. But I do acknowledge that we would be in a home of our own long ago if we didn’t do this for their future.
It just seems like we never get a break. We just get ahead and something happens every time. The house is broken into, a bike stolen, a van stolen, a clutch goes. I feel like I am standing on the edge of the cliff and the side keeps giving way and I keep just moving back in the nick of time.
Is it wrong to want to go away alone somewhere warm or exotic with just my husband. Is it wrong for me to want a vacation without any children. Is it wrong after nearly 19 years of marriage to crave substantial time alone with my husband.
This is where I am at. I am on the on the precipice of turning 40 and on paper my life is exactly where it is supposed to be (except for owning a home). Our long term plan that Jason and I made almost 20 years ago is right on target. But I’ve changed.
I want to be first. I want to be selfish. I want my life to be more than just being a mother to 5 amazing kids. I want to matter. I want my desires and dreams not to be set aside because they are impossible. I don’t even know what I want because I don’t even allow the dreams to come because I know that the reality is my time won’t come for another 12 years… the question is can I be unselfish for another 12 years. Can I live another 12 years always putting others before myself. Always serving the needs and wants of others. Maybe. Maybe not.
The reality is I am the problem. No one but me. I am the one who does it or makes a choice not to anymore. I am my own worst enemy and the only person needing to change this is me. I am just not sure if I am ready to stop the inner turmoil and make a real change.