I haven’t written a blog in a long time. Frankly I haven’t written because often I find myself barely treading water, when it comes to raising Keilan.
The latest is keeping my son from summer sleepover camp. I think with the right support he could and would thrive. But, unlike with any of my other children, I have to think of every possible outcome with him. How will he possibly react to some unknown issue. How will people around him react to his reaction. Will the leaders around him be able to stop and bring him down from a reaction before it even happens, or will they react to it in a way that escalates him and his reaction.
This year I just don’t feel like he is in a place that I can send him to the sleepover camp. At least not with all of the leadership that is in place. The truth is his older brother is there too and he is as much of the problem as keilan is. Kieran just has a way of irritating Keilan and pushing him into a negative reaction. So, if Karyssa was at the camp volunteering I’d send him in a second. She can almost always calm him down. But with Kieran being there and the combination of certain leadership I just can’t send him.
Keilan is terribly disappointed and mad at me. And frankly it is yet another example of how being mom, teacher, advocate for him…sucks. I am the bad guy. I’m always the bad guy.
Many days I long to just be mom. No other hats. No other responsibilities. No other reasons to have to consider which make me always the bad guy.
So, here I sit…filled with guilt for decisions I am forced to make and really really don’t want to make. But afraid of the consequences of I don’t make these choices.