Twisted Glasses

The following are the notes from my session at Pine Lake Christian Camp, Ladies Retreat 2013.  I had a number of people ask me for these.  Over the next few months I will probably write further articles detailing some of the aspects I have discussed briefly here.

What I wish someone would have told me…

My mother and I are not as close I wish we were, we never have been.  The older I get the more things I discover that I wish my mom or someone else had taught me.  Granted I was probably not the best student and was probably resistant to the teaching my mom tried to give me.  I wish that I had the relationship with my mother to be able to ask her advice and seek her opinions.  However, we are 2 very different people.  I parent in some ways much as she and my dad parented me and my siblings; and in some ways perhaps very differently.  The following is simply a thoughtful compilation of the things that I have learned and found most helpful along the way of my adult life over the past 20 years as I’ve moved away from home, gone to college, gotten married, had 5 children, and been a wife and working mother.

Saving Money

• Start an RESP for each child as soon as they are born, no matter how small.
• Make own laundry soap less than $7 for 5 gallons – takes 10 minutes.

Babies

• They need far less than you think.  They just want you.  Don’t be afraid to hold them.

Cooking

• Why cook one meal when you can cook 2 or 3 for very little extra work.  Eat the one meal and freeze the others.
• Reheat later from frozen at a lower temp…say 325°F for 3 hours.
• When you buy hamburger precook it and freeze in portions in freezer bags.  It makes meal making so much quicker!
• Make huge pots of soup and can – super cheap and easy meals later
• Make own jam, it’s really easy, cheap, and healthy
• Digitize our favourite recipes.  It’s easy to find the recipe you are looking for, lets you get rid of a bunch of unneccessary cook books, and allows you to easily pass the recipes your family loves onto your kids
• Soup and jam make great cheap teacher gifts

Shopping

• Shop at the end of the season for the next year.  I recently bought $60 winter boots for $5
• Always take hand me downs.  Go through them and pass along those you don’t want.
• Buy in bulk, use coupons, shop by the sales, and stock up.
• Keep a list of what you’ve already bought so you don’t forget later.  I keep lists in the memo section on my blackberry
• Buy gifts ahead as you find things on clearance or sale and set aside
• “No name” brand is great most of the time, but ketchup is Heinz all the way!
• Choose what works for you and your family and your schedule to save money.
• I always buy dresses a size or 2 too big so that my girls get more wear out of them
• I never buy white, because it doesn’t stay white!  However, I have friends who swear by white clothes!

Other Parents

• Ignore the bragging of other parents of children your child’s age.  Remember all milestones have a broad range of “normal”
• Also try to brag about your child in a way that won’t make other parents feel bad and brag honestly
• If your sister calls to tell you her 4 month old is swimming, actually swimming and you have a 5 year old who is scared of water over her armpits and petrified of the deep end…ask for a video. When as in my case it proves to be true, be happy for her and then show your child and the humiliation of her baby cousin showing her up will accelerate her desire to swim!  LOL!
• Also remember boys and girls are not the same so if you have a son and your son is a busy little guy and your friend has a girl who is a little angel and sits quietly colouring while your son eats the crayons; don’t fret its normal!

Grandparents

• Grandparents can be well intending, but their child rearing ideas aren’t yours.  Don’t be afraid to say “no” and don’t feel like you have to sacrifice your values to appease them.  Stay firm and kind.  But you are the parent, they the grandparent and they will have to learn to respect this boundary.  We had to stop visiting my in-laws for a while because my father-in-law wouldn’t respect our desire to keep our children in a smoke free environment and so smoke outside when we visited.  This was a very hard decision for us but a very important one.  We didn’t make it lightly and spent much time in prayer and discussion before making it.  It ended well.  Jason’s dad was diagnosed with diabetes a few months later and quit smoking so our solution was found.

Husband

• Love him always
• Love has it’s seasons, it takes a lot of work to keep it healthy, but it can always be rejuvenated with some work
• Put him first, find ways to spend time together especially when the kids are small and it’s so hard!
• I’ve been married 17 years and by far the hardest times in our marriage were when the kids were babies and toddlers.  Sleep deprivation and very needy little ones can put a lot of stress on people.  Relax, take a breath, and realize this will pass – and it will happen a lot sooner than you think, but at the time it may seem like forever!

Toddlers

• Distraction and food are the 2 best solutions to a temper tantrum or meltdown

School age

• Buy a good quality backpack, it’ll last for years and save you a ton of money.  Our son has had his MEC backpack for 7 years and it’s still in great shape.  Plus it only cost $25.

Nurturing/Attachment

• I believe strongly in allowing the baby to attach and have full access to the parents.  I held my babies, carried them, wore them, and they slept in our bed.  It was a tremendous amount of work in the first few years, but my kids are quite independent, secure, well-adjusted children.

Work

• It is frequently necessary for both parents to work.  Think about what hours would work best for your family.  I wanted to be with my kids as much as possible so I chose school bus driving.  I actually love my job and have been doing it for over 10 years.  If you can find a job you love then it’ll be so much better for everyone!

2nd Child

• The second child is the hardest one to adjust to, the first has been an only child and has had you all to themself and now has to learn to share. Number 3 is a breeze, you’ve done it before and so have your kids J

Housework

• Truly housework will wait, but the babies will not and you don’t want a clean toilet and a miserable baby!
• Try to relax and accept the mess will not always be there, and the time now with the kids is irreplaceable! I have certainly not mastered this and am mortified of people seeing my messy home!
• A friend of mine made a cleaning schedule several years ago, but I thought she was a bit crazy for scheduling her cleaning.  I tried it recently and found it works great for me!  It is actually very freeing!

Bible Teaching/Biblical Rearing

• To me this is my most important task in child rearing as it effects their future!
• Bible stories and devotions are important, but teaching in the moment is by far the most Important.  This shows our kids that we live our faith and teaches them to do the same.
• Everything I do it seems reflects back from to this value of Bible teaching, My volunteering also often reflects this as it very important to me so I do whatever I can to help attain this.

Vacations/child activities

• Your kids don’t have to be in every activity and they don’t have to stay in every activity.  Interests change and sometimes we discover that certain activities aren’t as suited to our child as we had hoped.  I make my children finish off a session to teach them the importance of commitment.
• Let your kids help plan your vacation, let them have input
• Buy annual or season passes to places like the zoo or science center so you can have plenty of fun and not need any money in our pocket to do it.  I like to be out and keep the kids busy.  Busy kids are tired kids and tired kids go to bed better! Besides I go stir crazy quickly!
• I buy a guest pass whenever possible for Jason’s pass so I can bring a friend on my outings with the kids if I want to.
• I try to make summer vacation fun and plan activities for 3 of the 5 days of the week.

Shoes/Clothing

• Never turn down hand-me-downs and shop end of season

“Necessary” baby stuff

• Sling or baby carrier – absolutely essential
• Blankets
• Receiving blankets
• Car seat
• Stroller that works on the terrain you frequent
• Everything else isn’t necessary, but extras.  If you can get them free then take them, if you have to buy them then try to borrow them first to see if your baby will even like it! (i.e. swing)

Safety

• Helmets
• Car seats
• Make sure you buy certified quality equipment. Your child’s life can literally depend on it.
• If your child drops or throws their helmet check it carefully for any tiny cracks.  If there are any, throw it away.  Even if it kills you to be so “wasteful” your child’s safety is more important than the cost of a new helmet!

Exercise

• Find ways to exercise and spend time with your child.  Try jogging with the stroller, or just a walk in the park.

Travel

• Don’t be afraid to travel just because you have small kids. Just be prepared, have a bag of toys and games and paper and crayons.  Change of clothes.  And some food snacks.
• Nothing passes time better than finger snacks.

Family

• Make sure to work hard to create the nucleus family you want

Sibling Relationships/ Sibling Rivalry

• My goal is that my kids would be best friends as grown-ups.
• This means that everything I do is leading to this goal.
• I remind them of this often!

Bedrooms

• Shared or own
• Some kids like to be in a room alone,  the privacy is important to them
• Some kids don’t like to be alone or are scared of the dark and so would like to share a room
• I actually have some of each.

Mentors

• Find someone you look up to who can mentor you and come alongside you in a Godly way guide you and help you as you need it when raising your kids.  Someone who can give you wisdom because they’ve been there.  You should like their children as they are the result of their parenting.

Relationship with God

• Don’t neglect this.
• When you have a healthy relationship with the Lord everything else goes so much better!

Giving Back

• Kids will learn to do this by example.  So do it yourself and give them opportunities to do it to.  Before you know it they will be finding opportunities to give back and we will be aiding them

Home Size/Yard Size

• When looking for a home we had to determine which was more important the home size or yard size. For us it has always been yard size.  I want my kids to be outside as much as possible.

Prayer

• Do it unceasingly
• Teach your kids to pray and to have faith that their prayers will be answered
• Teach your kids that God answers prayers I unexpected ways.  Sometimes it’s “yes”, sometimes “no”, sometimes “not right now”, sometimes “later”.  We are not God and he can see everything and has our best interests at heart.  We have to believe this and trust Him.

Making your family a “team”

• I find that the best way to unify the kids together and lower the fighting is to have a common goal, we are a “team”.  We even call ourselves that.  As a team we all look out for each other and work together and it makes the fighting decrease and the fun increase.  We all have the same goals this way.

Patience

• You can never have enough patience and you never will.  Just keep going, keep trying, and don’t give up!

Mistakes/Forgiveness

• Realize we all make mistakes, constantly.  That’s part of our being human.  We need to forgive ourselves and we need to apologize to our children and ask their forgiveness.  We need to model forgiveness for our children and teach them we are human and we make mistakes too.

“Rewarding” your children

• I used to think that people who “bribed” their children were crazy.  Now I prefer to call it rewarding.  Sometimes, especially when we are in public the use of “rewards” is necessary to bring our child onside and not to embarrass us with their behaviour.   I don’t use this technique too often, but it is a definite must in certain circumstances.  I am not embarrassed to use it, because it almost always works!  I have one son who I find I use this with more than any of my other 4 children combined.  He is the youngest, has the strongest will, the most determination, and the loudest most defiant scream.  Once he gets something in his head he is like a Rottweiler and there is no convincing him he is wrong.  He has arguments for everything you tell him.  I don’t want to deal with this is public, so I choose to sometimes give in and deal with it later.  But make no mistake, I do deal with him later in private (usually the van!J).  I don’t want to raise a spoiled child, even if in the moment it appears I am doing that very thing!

“Baby Talk” vs. talking with your kids

• I chose not to use “baby talk”, except when I liked how my child said a particular word, and wanted to hear them say it again for the cute factor.  I would push the stroller or walk with the baby in the sling carrying on full conversations with the baby.  I guess I believe we all learn by example so may as well be a good one!

“Sex” talk

• I have always told my kids everything about sex.  The bonus of having 5 kids is that we were always looking at books to see what the baby looked like each day.  I have always been frank with my kids, upfront, and used proper words.  The older they get the bolder the conversations.  I don’t want them getting their information from their friends.  I believe sex is good, but a sacred thing within marriage and I want my kids to know this and to know why I believe this so we talk about it every opportunity we get.

Spouse as a “helpmate”

• I’ve learned that although my husband is more than happy to help with all my crazy ideas, plans, dreams, and visions…I have to ASK him, not “volun-tell” him!

Have Fun/Be Silly

• Sing silly songs, play silly games
• You don’t have to listen to children’s music all the time.  I mostly listen to my music, and sometimes to theirs.  This teaches them they aren’t the centre of the world and it keeps me from going mental!

Create new Family Traditions

• We have season “fairies” who bring things for the children much like Santa.  Leave notes encouraging them to be good friends, etc.   The Tooth Fairy puts food colouring in a glass of water to show what colour her dress or outfit is.  The leprechauns colour our milk green.  We have an annual scavenger Easter egg hunt where the kids work together to solve the riddles and we go for a surprise date (used to be the Chocolate Bar, unfortunately they are no longer in business) afterwards.
• Our traditions have evolved over time and the kids love these!
• Some have come into existence for various reasons.  Early on we loved the idea of Santa but felt he took away from the Birth of Jesus at Christmas so we celebrated instead St Nicholas on Dec 6.  It has both the teaching and the “magic” we wanted.  The Fairies were to add a little “magic” to our lives for fun!

Don’t discount the “Little” things

• I think the “little things” to us are often the “big things” to our kids.  Remember this.
• Sometimes we have to take time from doing the laundry or dishes to untangle the 20 cent parachute guy!  Telling them “in a minute, just a sec…” etc. isn’t how we want them to remember us, take a minute or 5 to do their “important” task and then get back to yours, this is the stuff relationships are built on.
• There are never enough hours in a day and no matter what you do there never will be.  So if this is true, then you may as well take the time with your child!

See Life “through” your kids’ eyes

• To them everything is full of excitement, wonder, curiosity, even fear.  Some of the things we think are normal they find huge and fearful.  Like Kianna who was petrified of the ocean, and the sand this summer.  Everything was too big, enormous too much for her to deal with.

Consider if the “rule” is really necessary or can it be bent or even eliminated

• Sometimes we have rules for reasons that seem good, or maybe because we think the rule is expected, or we had that rule.  As our child is pushing against the rule we should consider it from their perspective and consider if the rule is necessary or at least necessary in that circumstance in that moment.  My youngest has a way of pushing and questioning the rules.  He’s persistent and knows how to reason and is like a dog with a bone, he’ll never give up!  He believes he’s always right!  The truth is sometimes he has valid points!

Let them have freedom in small amounts and at a reasonable age

• Be assured they will grow up and will get their freedom.  I worry if we don’t give them freedom in small manageable doses then when they take it it will take over them.  When Kieran was 8 I let him ride his bike to the bakery a few blocks away and buy our bread when we ran out.  First he had cash, later my bank card.  Some thought I was crazy…One parent saw him from his class and phoned me to tell me that it was poor parenting and unsafe for him.  However, I stand by my decision and give my kids’ the amount of freedom I am comfortable with.  This varies from child to child depending on their maturity and personality and persistence!

Let Them Problem Solve and let them try out their solutions

• I want my children to be able to solve their own problems, even when I’m not there to help them.  The solutions they come up with often surprise me, sometimes astonish me.  Sometimes I question if it’ll work but their solutions often despite their lack of contemporariness work.  And the confidence it gives them is astonishing!

Don’t Stop Living

• I have done more stuff since my kids have been born than I ever did before I had them.  I have always taken my kids with me, skiing with a baby in a backpack; hiking up a mountain with a baby in a backpack; swimming with a baby on my hip, one in the swimming sling, and one holding my hand; try a parented toddler gymnastic class with a baby in the bjorn; travelling across Canada for 4 weeks with the 5 kids, 3 weeks all by myself with the kids….

Take time to actually listen and Hear them

• Sometimes I find that I have repeated them back to them but missed what they were trying to tell me.  I heard the words, but not the meaning.  Listening, putting down the phone, looking them in the eye and hearing them.

Date Your Kids

• I try to take each of our kids out on a “date” regularly.  They love the one on one time, they ask for it.  I love it too. I get to know them better.  And they have first-hand proof of how important they are to me!

Talk to them – explain “Why”

• I have found that by explaining “why” to the kids from a very young age it has stopped a lot of temper tantrums, although not as many as I’d have liked!  It also makes them realize that I am not always a dictator and it gives them the opportunity to come back to me with a reason why they should be able to do it….My youngest is actually the best at this.  The kid just can’t take no and will use his problem solving skills to try to get me change my thinking to his, and he has stamina and dedication!
• My kids can ask questions and argue my rule, but it must be done respectfully!

Pets

• Remember ultimately if Johnny doesn’t clean the snake cage, you will.  Choose wisely!

Chores

• Give the kids age appropriate chores and don’t expect perfection.
• Encourage them and cheer their accomplishments
• Don’t be afraid to change it up if it’s not working.

Schools

• Know your child, find out your choices, tour the school, meet the principal, the principal will make or break the school
• Consider making your teachers’ gifts or doing a “class” gift and collecting $5 from each student’s parents and buying one nice gift at say a salon

Volunteering

• Don’t stop, but be realistic
• Only do what you’re passionate about
• Your time is limited use it wisely

Friends – your child’s

• Make friends with your child’s friends parents
• They’ll understand when you need a listening ear as their child is in the same age and stage

Friends – Yours

• Don’t lose them
• Still spend time with them

Love Languages

• Know them and what your child’s or spouse’s is and use it
• Touch, Words of affirmation, Help, Gifts, Time
• Remember use all the languages, but each person has one that speaks louder to them

Date Nights

• Make them, keep them
• Use variety

Babysitters

• Find one and pay them well and use them frequently
• Feed them and make their life easy so they’ll be available when you need them

Independence

• Leave extra time so they can get ready themselves and you’re not late – hopefully
• Teach them the 4 food groups, provide healthy choices and let them make their own lunch

Mother’s Instinct

• Trust it
• But follow it respectfully and kindly, and  it’ll take you further

Stand up for your child

• Stand up for your child when necessary
• Stand with your child and teach him to stand on his own – problem solve
• Even with adults!

Character Building

• Think about what character traits you want your child to have as an adult.  Write them down and think about what you need to do to get your child to learn these characteristics and to make them a part of their own individual personality.  Some of the character traits I find important are:
• Kindness, Compassion, Generosity, Hard work, Empathy, Faithful, Loyal, Selflessness
• Work on teaching these character traits to your child.  Example is the best teacher, as is using everyday normal life situations.

Goals

• Have goals, a life plan and a vision

Help

• Don’t be afraid to ask for help and accept help when offered as a gift with “thanks”
• My 4 year old likes to unfasten his seat belt.  One day he unfastened it 5x while I was driving.  I took him to the police station and asked the constable for help reinforcing the unacceptability of this behaviour.  Once she understood what I was asking she was happy to talk sternly to him.  She made him her police helper.  And he does his seat belt unfastening a lot less.

Life Lessons

• Teach them to do laundry, dishes, sweep and mop, vacuum – so that when they grow up they aren’t slobs – hopefully.
• Teach them to ride a bike
• Teach them to swim
• Teach them to problem solve
• Teach them to ask for help (after they have tried to problem solve) – humility is a great trait!
• Teach them to follow directions, take and give directions, and to pay attention to where they are going and how they got there
• Teach them to pay attention to the details
• Hair grows back, tattoos and piercings are permanent
• Read to your kids.  When they get to a certain age all of them will enjoy listening to an exciting novel – mine are 4, 7, 9, 11, and 14 and have been good for about a year.
• Eyes and teeth can be examined even before their first birthday
• As you drive, talk to your kids about the road signs you see.  Teach them what they are and how to obey them.  The more the kids know the road signs and see them the safer they’ll be, they have to follow them as pedestrians and bikers anyways!

Misc.

• If you have family that lives nearby and will watch your children and love them that is an awesome blessing.  However if you don’t it is ok to make your own family.  Make friends in your church who can be the grandparents on a regular basis that your children may not have because of the location of your birth family, we have no family within 5 hours.  However, we have church friends who we can call on in a pinch.  When life gives you lemons, make lemonade J
• Parenting is very hard work, perhaps the hardest job you will ever do.  However, life’s greatest rewards usually come from our hardest work.  And likewise parenting will probably bring you more joy and fulfilment than anything else in your life!
• When my children are all grown up, it is my intent to still be happily married.  I don’t want to be one of those women who wakes up one day to find my children are grown and moved away and I am living with a stranger.  I am doing all I can to prevent this from happening!  As important as my kids are to me, my husband came before them and will be there after them.  I am doing my best to ensure that, my husband and I are best friends now, just as we were when we got married, and will be until we are separated by death.  Divorce isn’t an option, but neither is living an unhappy life.
• Do what you need to do to look after yourself, your relationship with the Lord, your marriage, and your children.  But never forget you are not alone, there are other women out there walking the same walk as you.  Everyone needs a “friend” and the best way to get the “friend” you need is to be the “friend” you need.